Harry Kane defended against the ‘amused’ while Arsenal tipped to win title by 0.1 points

Jason Burt of the Daily Telegraph is not amused by anybody laughing at the (very funny) Harry Kane Curse, while Arsenal are only going to lose 1.4 more games.


The Telegraph are not amused
Sorry, Jason Burt of the Daily Telegraph, but it is inherently funny that Harry Kane has joined a trophy juggernaut that has now got stuck on a cursed autobahn. And to not understand that amusement is to not just misunderstand football fans but to misunderstand human nature. He doesn’t even use the word ‘schadenfreude’, FFS.

Burt sets off on a po-faced defence of Kane as if anybody is actually criticising Kane.

It is pretty funny. Particularly to Arsenal fans. Are we really suggesting that Arsenal fans should not be amused by a trophy-less Kane lifting nothing other than a cannon at the end of the season? Relax, Jason. Breathe, Mr Burt. It’s genuinely funny.

Oh come on. Surely anybody typing those words would immediately realise it was highly amusing and find another idea for a column. The delivery needs some work but it’s a great joke.

It really is a mystery why fans of Arsenal in particular might be amused by this tale. Bring in Scooby-Doo, Miss Marple and somebody more culturally relevant from a Scandi drama to solve this tricksy tale.

And most importantly, there is nobody who ‘misreads’ the kind of season Kane is having. Nobody in the world thinks Kane is having a poor season; it’s funny largely because he is having a brilliant season. The Harry Kane Curse narrative loses its power if Kane had scored 12 goals; the closer he edges towards 40 the funnier it becomes.

READ: Harry Kane tops list of top 10 Premier League players who has won f*** all

Burt is not being dense with this column. It’s worse; he’s being entirely humourless. It’s like the concept of being amused by the failings of others has never occurred to him.

Or it has but he calls it ‘tall poppy syndrome’, or ‘the urge to criticise successful people’. Which might make sense if Kane was actually successful by the measures he has set himself. Will Kane think his season has been a success if he is the Bundesliga top scorer but wins nothing? Will he balls. He might as well have stayed at Tottenham and saved himself the upheaval.

Arsenal backed by boffins and brainiacs
To give you a little glance behind the curtain, we received an e-mail this morning about a supercomputer predicting Premier League victory for Arsenal by 0.1 points and knew that if we amused ourselves with po-faced Mr Burt and his pointless Harry Kane defence that somebody would eventually publish this absolute tosh.

Now we’re used to ‘boffins’ and we have encountered ‘brainiacs’ before but both together? We suspect we have now spent way too long wondering if the same people are both ‘boffins’ and ‘brainiacs’ or whether The Sun are describing two distinct groups.

Anyway, let’s talk about ‘the narrowest of margins’. It’s 0.1 of a point. A tenth of a point. So a margin that does not actually exist in football.

For the scenario to play out exactly as the ‘boffins and brainiacs’ predict, Arsenal now have to lose exactly 1.4 more games.

We suspect they might lose to Manchester City and presumably they might be vulnerable to 0.4 of a defeat v Tottenham. Is that worth more than a draw? Should they play for a draw or for 0.4 of a defeat? We need an in-house boffin. Or brainiac.

We have no issue with content farms farming content but how can you write sentences like this…

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